Advice (Dating)

[Philos Connections]

Please share your dating advice here, especially for a young lady
between the ages of 17 and 21

Include books that you would recommend as well.

[Philos Connections]

The first book I would recommend is "Knight In Shining Armour" by P. Bunny Wilson.

What are your top 5 words of advice on dating?

[Kenya]

If I had to give a few words of wisdom on dating. I would say, look into the family life and childhood of the person you are interested in. This doesnt mean if they grew up with money or not. This mean's - did they come from a warm and loving family who pray together.
My second thought would be - (although this may sound arrogant) Never date anyone beneath your standards. Find someone who is on the same level or better as you are because if you dont they will drain you emotionally, finanically, mentally, and spiritually.

[Glenae]

I don't have any books per say. Dating is really not a science, but you want to be discerning (use good judgement).

First, know what you want and are expecting out of the date before going. For example: a day of night of talking and hanging out. A first date should be just a get to know you type of date. For a first date I wouldn't suggest a movie because you can't talk and get to know each other during a movie.

Second, set the time, place and meet the person there. Depending on how well you know them, you don't want them coming to your home or knowing where you live.

Third, never make assumptions. Don't assume this person knows your likes and dislikes. Have suggestions of places you want to go in mind when asked. Determine who is going to pay and the time/place you expect the date to end.

Fourth, the more you communicate and listen the more a man will tell you about himself (even if he is not trying to). Listen. If a man says he can't stand drama. Chances are he is always in the middle of drama because he really likes confusion. If he says he likes to date many people. Listen! He is tellling you who he is and what he is about. Ask about previous relationships and what his relationship is with his mother. If he has negative things to say about his mom, he may have these feelings for women in general. Just Listen! If this is not the person you had in mind for yourself, don't settle. Move on. Dating is harmless when you keep your expectations in order.

[LM]

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I don't know too much about this subject. When I have my own kids I'm sure this is something that I will need to be prepared about. But so far I've heard that dating is like practicing divorce. I know in my own life if I could have a "do over" I wouldn't have dated. But how exactly to tackle not dating until your ready to find a life partner...I'm not sure.

Things like

-having a strong church home
-having Christian friends who want to stay pure and do it God's way
-having a healthy self-esteem
-having a good relationship with parents
-having a balanced life outside of school: volunteering, extra curricular activities, hobbies etc.
-learning life skills either from seminars, books or learning groups
-and of course, a strong love relationship with the Lord

I believe all help towards "doing it God's way" in regards to dating.

[ebonyg33]

My advice on dating is:

Be honest about what you are looking for in a friend/mate. This way you won't waste alot of time reading between the lines. Keep it holy, try and date in groups to control your harmones. Don't rush the relationship really get to know the person, there background. Find out who they look up to.

[Dee]

When I was single, I read a book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris... I decided that I didn't want to date casually anymore after I got out of my last relationship and this book helped me to get focused and learn to embrace my relationship with God and doing things to enhance the kingdom until it was my time to meet THE ONE.

When I met my (now) husband, we read Joshua Harris' second book called "Boy Meets Girl" that talked about having a Christian courtship that will lead to a successful marriage. I also checked out a book called Boundaries in Dating by Cloud and Townsend that was really good.

Basically, the only thing I would really try to encourage people in dating to focus on friendship and building a solid foundation before embarking on the actual romantic part of it. Whether that be through group dating or some form of accountability, its needed. Especially when trying to maintain your Christianity during dating, the devil will try to come at you with all kinds of drama and temptation... so having a firm friendship is necessary and being able to pray together and study the Bible together is very necessary.

[Melanie]

My advice I would give to someone wanting to date would be to know what it is they are really looking for. Are you looking for someone to hang out with or are you looking for someone to marry and start a family with? What is it that you really want?

The reason I say that you should figure out what it is you really want is because you need to have a clear idea of what it is you desire. The person you're dating also needs to know what you are thinking. Communication from the beginning is the key.

Know what you are looking for in an individual...the "must haves" and stick to it. However, I think that God sometimes packages what you want a little differently than you think so discernment and prayer are a must. Take things slow and don't assume. Assuming generally leads to someone getting hurt. Really take the time to get to know the individual.

[Carlita]

Book Recommendation: “Dating with Integrity” by John Holzmann
It’s on amazon.com used or new and the highest price is under $6.

IF your focus in life is to seek God’s direction in everything you do, THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU.
IF you are asking questions about dating because you want to genuinely know about God’s plan for your life regarding Christ-like relationships and marriage, THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU.
BUT...
If you are trying to find loopholes to allow you to do what you want to do and ask God to bless it OR
If you want to blame God if you took your own way and it didn’t work out, then leave this book alone.

CAUTION: practicing the principles in this book which are backed by scripture will not sit well with other people, especially fellow Christians that don’t understand that obedience is better than sacrifice (unfortunately). But if you are a follower of Jesus, you have no other option but to live as Christ has called you. And Christ himself took the same ridicule all the way to Calvary... and claimed VICTORY!!!!!!

[Carlita Single]

The topic calls for “dating advice” and I think we need to be on the same page as to what a “date” is. I will explain my definition and let you know where I stand (and my belief and conviction comes from (1) my personal heartache and bruises from foolishly doing it my way and (2) what God showed me through reading the book "Dating with Integrity"):

If a “date” means – picking a time/place/day and we are planning an activity that will be positive and build each other up in Christian love – then I’m for it. This could be a group date or alone time – but be very very very very very very careful with the amount of alone time; what you do while you are alone; when you are doing what you do while you are alone (i.e. late at night).

If “dating” means – boyfriend-girlfriend; making a commitment by loose agreement to “only see one person” and focusing on him/her until some hopeful later date in the near future that might lead to something more – I disagree or should I say, I know that's not how God intends it to be for me.
1Cor6 19-20 talks about "you are not your own; you are bought with a price". Since I am not my own, as a non-married person I really have no right to commit myself to anything other than God and what He instructs. The bible records a Godly intimate union as a MARRIAGE of a man and woman (not dating, friends with benefits, seeing each other, life partners, domestic partners…). There are also references to courtship/engagement before the marriage takes place.

If you guys care to expound, I would be more than happy to dialog.
I do want to make sure that I'm keeping it real and not just throwing out a bunch of scripture references and telling somebody to go read a book.

[astra]

Well the books I read are already listed, Knight in Shining Armour and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Both were REeally good books!

Being patient was a key. Not wanting to be in a hurry to find "the one". Pray about the type of man you want and pray that it is aligned with the Lord's Perfect Will. Know what you want and don't settle for anything less!

[Julie]

Advise on dating.....This is kinda tricky not knowing who I'm addressing or their circumstance. So I will give you a brief story of my journey and hope that it inspires you.
I found Jesus when I was 18 and at that point I had already been down the wrong path. (or in this case "many paths") So my first struggle was to find out who I was apart from a relationship. My personality is a people pleaser and I became whatever they wanted, or whatever I thought they wanted. So this was my opportunity to find out what I liked and didn't like....But to be honest with you, it was very lonely. I had to break all ties with my past friends because they were pulling me away from God. So I found women in the church and literally "sat at their feet".
On my 19th birthday I challenged myself to one year of no dating. I mean not even riding alone in a car with a male...super strict! But ON MY 20th BIRTHDAY, I heard that my ex-boyfriend (whom we thought we couldn't live without each other) was engaged. I immediately thought "Wow! God, look what you can do in one year! We would probably still have been dating and now look" So I decided to commit one more year. When I turned 21 I would then be available....And over that time I adopted my desires for being pursued and "wooed"by my husband. I made the choice not to date, but to turn it over to God. I honestly didn't know what that looked like and I was hoping that my knight would come on my 21st birthday and sweep me up. But I'm glad that he didn't. First of all, my husband wasn't even saved at that point! And I think about how much I needed to mature. I met my husband when I was 26. We were friends for a couple months and only saw each other in group settings. He was a gentlemen and made his intentions known to me and to the 3 other girls that I was living with and to my pastor before we started to date. I felt so precious. We've been married now for almost 2 years, and I don't remember all those years as being lonely.
My greatest advise is to seek God. Find every opportunity to serve at the church, spend time with families that model the type of marriage that you want to have and trust "The Father". Dating is tricky, especially for super dramatic people like me. You may be level-headed and able to remove your emotions from decisions, but I wasn't. I will encourage you to submit yourself to someone, whether it is a pastor and his wife or a mentor and be honest with them about your thoughts and let them walk you through this. They will be able to give you another perspective and help keep you from getting your heart broken. There is no right or wrong way to date. Our lives are unique, as is our gifts and calling. Make sure that at the end of your days as a single girl, you can look back on your life and treasure that time. Don't let it be full of you just waiting around for Mr. Right. Take what you are passionate about and enjoy life!! Because you don't NEED anybody but Jesus!

[Philos Connections]

Girls, I got happy and wrote about this as a blog post!

It was too long, to post here (I think) so I added the link.

jeoffsrib.blogspot.com/2007/06/to-my-friend-on-subject-of-dating.html

If you think I should paste the content here, let me know!